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WHAT IS "SWINGING"?

"I'll tell you who I was thinking about, if you tell me who you were thinking about."

It is a truth generally acknowledged: people fantasize during sex. They fantasize about all sorts of things. A lot of the fantasies are about having sex with others, however casual, committed, or long-term the relationship.

Sometimes the fantasy is open, shared. This is possible for couples who have a sexual relationship where both like the idea of sharing their fantasies, of participating in a sexual adventure together. Sample "play" lines might sound something like:

(SHE) "Her? Oh yeah? What were you doing with her? Did she like it? &c."
(HE) "How many guys? Who? Him? But I thought you didn't like him! &c."

There are hundreds of variations on this theme, and there is no question that jealousy is one of the spices in the mix. Jealousy is a feeling which some people enjoy controlling and playing with, like hang gliders with acrophobia, or a spelunker with claustrophobia, or a racing car driver with speed.

But to ask Michael Schumacher whether he became a champion driver to get over his fear of speed is ridiculous. It's only a small part of the mix. But it's an important part, and all high risk sports require a great deal of preparation to maximise enjoyment and minimise risk. Swingers prepare, too. More about that later.

Sometimes couples fantasise about being in bed with another couple, and again, this fantasy has many variations. It can be watching another couple. Or being in a room watching lots of people having sex. Or being involved, and not just watching. Or watching each other having sex with other people, and so on.

What swingers do, what swinging is, is acting out these fantasies for real, with real people.

How do they do it?

How couples (sometimes called "playcouples") actually do this for real is as varied as the fantasies themselves. Some couples just like to dress up and be with other couples in a sexy situation, like a club. Or go to a party just to watch others, and not indulge in any physical activity at all.

Some couples want to merely watch and then be watched in turn. Some get into all kinds of sexual activity save genital penetration (usually known as "Ultimate With Own"). And some couples are only comfortable at large parties where the feelings of obligation to participate is minimal-to-none, which allows them greater freedom to get involved and they usually do.

In fact the range of activity is so varied, and swingers generally so tolerant of variation, that the word "Lifestyle" has replaced "swinging" as "swinging" replaced "wife-swapping" some years ago. "The Lifestyle" as a term started in the U.S. and will soon become universal. But "swinging" is still O.K. and probably will be for some years to come.

(In fact, "wife-swapping" as a term is now definitely a no-no. Swingers were among the first to recognise the immense sexual range and capacity of women compared to men and the amount of dominance they exercise over the activity.)

Who does it?

Although swinging is primarily a middle-class phenomenon, every profession in every walk of life is to be found wherever there is a group of swingers.

The kind of Lifestyle described here is unique to the last quarter of the 20th century. Within the last twenty years the number of people in the Lifestyle has grown into millions. (At the time of this writing, for instance, one swinger's club near Rotterdam has a membership list of over 30,000.)

Of course, this kind of activity is unique to the so-called Western world. Its legitimacy is a hard-won privilege; it's easy to forget that in many parts of the world, the activity is punishable by social exclusion, harassment, imprisonment, or even death.

Swinging is really an extension of monogamous-couple sex. The word "monogamy" may sound paradoxical in this context --and it is. The closer and more solid the relationship between the couple, the better the communication between them, the better the experience. All swingers testify to this. Again, more of that later.

How many people does it take?

Swinging can take place between two couples, or a couple and a single person. Swinging can take place at a dinner party of six to twelve couples, or at a large party of 16 to as many as 100 couples.

Sometimes couples go to special clubs to meet new couples, and these clubs themselves have different set-ups, providing either "on-premise" activity, or simply a meeting place for couples to get acquainted, and to make arrangements to meet privately at another time.

I've been involved in "the scene" for longer than I care to admit, but I've never seen a "rugby scrum" of bodies piled up, as popular imagination would have it; nor have I seen a wild, out of control, demonic free-for-all like the Bacchae of Euripides, although there are reports of the former taking place, and there is plenty of evidence for couples getting very close to the latter.

I once lived in a house with a party wall, and had to have the rooms professionally soundproofed. This was not only out of consideration for the neighbours, but for the street outside as well.

To repeat: there are many ways to "swing": what these are have mainly to do with the parameters set-up by the couples themselves.

It is considered extremely bad form not to discuss or set these limitations with others before any activity, and the ease with which these are presented depends a great deal on an atmosphere of friendliness and trust established between the participants.

Needless to say, the establishment of such an atmosphere is a priority. Many couples "get to know" other couples over a few social dates before deciding to take things further.

What Do Swinging Couples Do When They, er, Do It?

It cannot be emphasised too strongly that the activity is, by mutual consent, the "using" of others as a sexual extension of the primary relationship.

"Using" is generally a pejorative term, but in this regard it has a complex and playful meaning. Couples "use" one another by conscious and informed mutual consent, a voluntary and temporary surrender of self-containment and control.

Any number of requests, preferences and/or inspirations can be expressed and discussed by all involved. Indeed, it's extremely bad form not to discuss these beforehand.

"What are you people 'into'?" is a common and extremely proper question in order to ensure everyone "is on the same page."

Everyone has to be on the same page.

This can extend to mean the indulgence by the group in the fantasy of one. That is, with a group of, say, four people, one can have a fantasy and the other three can help act it out, even if the fantasy is not theirs. Conversely, one person can be more "into" say, spanking than the other three are comfortable with. In which case the one defers to the other three.

Rules and "Using"

Here is where the strongest rule of swinging is most in effect. The primary rule, which is absolutely, strictly enforced, is that "No" means "No," at anytime and at any point whatsoever. This rule is in effect from moment you walk through the door, and initially applies to approaching another. But when matters are taken further, the rule gets stronger. It is never, under any circumstances, to be violated!

Violations are usually reported by word of mouth and can end a couple's swinging activity for good. A polite refusal there is a whole verbal and physical vocabulary for this-is easier with a roomful of people than in more intimate surroundings where there only a few other couples.

This rule is understood by experienced swingers, and is one of the instances where "using" appears in an entirely different context. To repeat: in this instance it does not begin to approach the kind of callous indifference and selfishness which is usually associated with the verb.

Swingers

Obviously such an activity, which challenges a universal taboo as old as mankind, is not without its complexities and paradoxes.

Swingers in day-to-day life are, as a general rule, both politically and socially conservative. And yet the one declaration, common to all, which always answers the question, "Why swing?" is, "We won't let anyone tell us what to do with our private life."

In recreational situations the exhibitionist side of the swinger's personality emerges, that of watching and being watched.

Swingers are, in general, compulsive about personal hygiene, and obsessive about safe sex, which is borne out by statistics over the last twenty-five years.

Despite the all contact magazines, clubs, amateur videos (and now huge conventions in the US and Europe), the couple's private life is generally kept discreet. Despite the exhibitionist aspect of the activity, discretion between couples is always strictly respected.

If couples use other names when they swing, these names may continue to be used, no matter how close the friendship between couples may develop. Many couples go on to form social friendships which involve activities such as theatre, cinema, holidays, &c.

Today, in the United States and Europe, only the media and the sexually bigoted care at all about the activities of "the couple next door," a now-tired fascination which has more to do with peeping, repressed fantasy and sexual problems of the tabloid personnel themselves than anything else.

Getting Into Swinging: "My Husband Wants To"

The most common reason for many couples getting into the Lifestyle is usually expressed as a desire to "spice up" their sexual life. Here the decision seems to have been arrived at by both parties.

Sometimes the decision is made for them by another, more experienced couple, and they go along with the idea out of curiosity.

These and other accounts all depend on a strong primary relationship, but the couple's decision to persist in "the Lifestyle" is usually arrived at after much discussion over time.

But sometimes the male partner will fantasise about swinging. It has more to do with the public perception of swinging; of "free" sex with strangers or acquaintances.

The male partner tells himself that that their partners will have --at most-- only a milder version of a "good time" themselves, while he indulges himself to the limit. At this point, however well-meant, and without any malice aforethought, he is not really thinking about who is partner is, and what she really wants.

I must make a small digression, here. The phrase, "knowing your partner" has become degraded with misuse and now rests in the dustbin of psychobabble. Without getting into a lot of history and quoting great thinkers from the dawn of time, "knowing thyself" is and always will be, the hardest question for any human being to come to grips with.

If it's that hard for one, it's close to impossible to really know another. The pleasure or the pain-is all in the trying.

Back to swinging. Some men, having fantasised alone to the point of exploding, try, with the best of intentions, to talk their partners into experimenting with swinging.

It is here that these men are most self-deceived; it is here most swinging disasters wait to happen.

In my experience, 90% of the time it is men who have to face the reality that it is they, rather than their partners, who are most vulnerable to paroxysms of jealousy and doubt.

Once a confident woman agrees that swinging might be an acceptable, if occasional, recreational activity, the real drama begins.

Whether he's comfortable with the idea or not, the male partner now has to understand that "the little woman" he thought he knew also has an interior life, and a personal sexual journey to explore, as well as he. That's the reason for the adjective, "confident."

The most uncomfortable part of this journey for the male is the discovery that his partner's reluctance to "get involved" may very well have more to do with body image, the fear that no one "will ask me to dance," rather than sexual inhibition.

The male partner, believing he was always more sexually adventurous than his partner, may be shocked to find she was only worrying about the size of her bum, and not whether she could have sex with five men in one evening.

Of course women also suffer from problems of jealousy or possessiveness it's just that these problems seem to be less in play than most men imagine.

While the inexperienced male is perfectly secure in the knowledge that sex with others can be extremely enjoyable but "mean nothing," he is far from convinced that his partner, who he has just seen or heard screaming in ecstasy with some man she has only just met, is telling him the exactly same thing --and telling the truth. This, too, is extremely hard for most men to believe.

Frequent quotes overheard at parties:

"You never made sounds like that with me."
"You certainly made a pig/spectacle of yourself tonight."
"I looked for you, but you just disappeared."
"So you only like big dicks now?"
"I can't compete with those guys."
&c..

90% of the time, it's the man and not his partner, who freaks, sulks, and retreats into a slough of self-doubt and recrimination.

Bisexuality

In the Lifestyle at the time of writing, bisexuality among women is extremely common, and in general, rarely between men. While bisexuality among women is almost taken for granted, if the male partner is bisexual, this is usually stated at the outset, as most men in the Lifestyle declare themselves strictly heterosexual.

While acceptance of male bisexuality is on the increase, most men will jump halfway across the room if touched intimately by another male without consultation and permission. On the other hand, with experienced swingers, the same rule of "no thank you" applies without any stigma attaching to the approach.

As with all swinging situations, there are a number of verbal and non-verbal ways to express preferences and boundaries without making the other person feel like a pervert from Hell.

If It Works --It All Sounds Too Good To Be True

All swingers will gladly share stories (with the usual discretion as to names) of the extraordinary feelings of almost spiritual intimacy when they "clicked" with others, or friends of long standing. And there are quite a few instances of the experience transcending sex and entering into what can only be described as a spiritual realm.

But every swinging couple has their horror stories: of the other couple who went weird, or unpleasant, or turned off inexplicably; of the dreadful party or club where the guests or facilities were not up to standard; or of the male or female half of another couple who behaved badly, inappropriately, or intrusively; or who broke the rules of communication, consideration or consent.

Then, too, there are the occupational hazards of compatibility: often one will "click" with another, leaving one partner feeling cheated or abandoned or jealous.

Team Spirit

This is where the "more of this later" part comes in.

Any effort involving more than one person has, as its emotional ideal, the feeling of being part of a "team." This is true for business, the performing arts, and all enterprises in between, from double-sculls to rugby union.

If the couple constructs this "team" feeling toward the swinging adventure, to borrow a Chinese saying, even "the obstacles become joys." Not every climbing team reaches the top of the mountain. Not every team wins the match. But a real team learns from its mistakes, and looks forward to doing better.

The first priority in constructing a team is communication, an understanding of the terms by which the team functions, and the signs and signals used to short-cut lengthy explanations or needs. Professionals spend hours doing this.

At this point the objection could be raised that long discussion involving signals, contingencies (or "what ifs"), and sexual goals robs the occasion of the thrill of spontaneity.

An analogy with skiing might prove useful here. It might be a bit far out, but please bear with me:

Modern skiing equipment is not only very expensive, it's also extremely complex and very well engineered. Its primary function is to minimise the risk of broken limbs when a human body is sliding down a snow-covered hill at speeds exceeding forty kilometres an hour.

Although parts of the equipment are extremely rigid, like the ski-boot, it's designed that way to protect the skier, who, despite the rigidity of the equipment, twists, and bends with flexibility and strength to enjoy the experience to the maximum.

Skiing lessons, fitness training, saving for the holiday, the best equipment, do nothing to take away from the fun of screaming down that powder on a sunny day, surrounded by mountains.

That is, if you like skiing.

Some don't. As has been said, jealousy is a part of the spice, the friction of swinging, as the fear of drowning is to the diver, or crashing to the rally driver.

Some people have a horror of gambling; some are acrophobic, or afraid of creepy-crawlies.

In these cases, Las Vegas, abseiling, or herpetology is not for them.

It does not mean they are sissies, or that they "can't take it." Everyone has places they just plain prefer not to go. Accountants are in demand because most people are afraid of confronting their finances. And so on.

Swinging is an emotional adrenalin-rush sport, to be approached with the same care and caution as any other knuckles-in-the-mouth sporting activity.

Many teams have coaches, trainers, and consultants. Why shouldn't swingers?

Although knowledgeable and experienced coaches are almost non-existent, I can recommend Dee McDonald, info@sexualwellbeing.co.uk, a therapist who specialises in workshops and consultation with those who contemplate getting into swinging, and for those experienced swingers who have run into difficulties or situations which need a knowledgeable and disinterested moderator.

An excellent video about swinging is Nina Hartley's "Guide to Swinging," which takes an educational but enjoyably light-hearted view of the activity, and should be seen by all those contemplating it for the first time. A terrific, well-written and beautifully researched book is The Lifestyle, by Terry Gould (Firefly Books).

In sum, swinging is a great and rewarding adventure for those who like it, and who are "bent" for it, and should be scrupulously avoided by those who don't, and aren't.

Whatever you do, and wherever this takes you, have fun!