Dear Dee,

We both fantasise about doing a threesome and often wank each other off with dirty talk. She wants to do it either with another male or even female. I get turned on by the thought of other men really giving her a good time - but we both love each other so much - and we are both scared of this ruining things...although I don't think it will because we both trust each other. How can we sample this swinging life style without going the whole way. We dont wanna get somebody and then when they are with us change our mind ????? Can you go to parties and just watch without being accused of being a perv? who knows we might join in. Any advice on this horny lifestyle would be welcomed - S&S

Dear S & S,

It sounds like you have many of the ingredients for a mutually pleasurable swinging life should you so choose. Being in love with and trusting each other are both extremely important and should always be the basis of going into the lifestyle.

Swinging is best considered an extension of your private sex life, rather than a means to make each other jealous and uncomfortable, or fuck as many people as you can. It is essential that it is right for both of you, that there are no skeletons in the cupboard waiting to attack you at a vulnerable moment with other people (and there will be some of those moments). So communication and honesty are vital. If this is something you'd like to explore, spend as much time as necessary discussing what your expectations are, what your fears are and where your fantasies lie. Be as open and honest as you can and don't agree to anything you don't feel comfortable with just because you think the other person may want to do it. Setting your boundaries as a couple is important and sticking to them even more so. That is not to say you might not reach a stage when you want to review them.

Threesomes can be quite different from foursomes, or moresomes. It is easier for one person to be left out and unless that is what you want (as a voyeur for example) don't be fooled into thinking that it is an easier starting point than four people. Every couple has had different experiences with swinging and each wants to get something different out of it. Find the place you're happy and comfortable in. Also swinging doesn't always involve going "all the way". You can choose how far you want to go with other people, be it flirting, foreplay or penetrative sex. The important things are that you're both coming from the same place and that you're honest with your playmates. Make sure they know you're first timers and that you're unsure. They can then decide at an early stage if they want to continue the relationship or not and you've given yourselves a get out space.

Please feel free to ask as many other questions as come up for you and enjoy the fantasies - sometimes they're as much if not more fun than the reality. - Dee.

Dee.

The Centre for Sexual Wellbeing acknowledges that we all individuals with a unique tapestry of life experiences, thoughts and feelings. We therefore stress that although these responses may provide some answers to your questions and/or temporary relief from discomfort, they are no substitute for one-to-one guidance with a professional.