Hello Dee

Does a partner's sexual past matter? I've just discovered that my girlfriend has had at least twenty sexual partners and I'm finding it extremely difficult to cope with. We're both in our late thirties and apart from this our relationship is perfect but all I can imagine is the other men and how she must be comparing me with them. I'm furious with her for having let herself be used in such a way. Can you help? - Jealous

Dear Jealous,

A partner's sexual past should not matter, we all have sexual pasts and the older we get the richer they are. Most people choose not to live in their past and all it does is add another colour to the rich tapestry of personal life. The fact is that your girlfriend has chosen to be with you for this part of her life and this is what you should be working on. You say it is an otherwise perfect relationship - why not should be concentrate on it rather than what went before.

It is not unusual for a partner to experience jealousy about previous relationships. If you speak to your friends I'm sure you'll find others who share your present feelings. Nor is it unusual these days for a previous partner to have had a variety of partners. The important part is not to let the jealousy take over your life. My hunch is that you' might be feeling inadequate or guilty as a result of some of your past experiences and that is why you're worried about her comparing you with them. Alternatively, you might feel that you've used somebody in the past and are putting yourself in the place of her previous partners. If these scenarios ring true for you, don't make it her problem. Seek some professional help and help yourself out of this negative place.
Dee.

The Centre for Sexual Wellbeing acknowledges that we all individuals with a unique tapestry of life experiences, thoughts and feelings. We therefore stress that although these responses may provide some answers to your questions and/or temporary relief from discomfort, they are no substitute for one-to-one guidance with a professional.