Dear Dee,
I'm a forty-something male, I keep myself fit and have a healthy diet. About four years ago my wife & I stopped having sex, initially because of my back injury, then we never resumed it. About a year ago I met an old flame, and we stared seeing each other, to my horror I couldn't get it up and I believe I'm impotent or my libido has lowered, although I can get aroused when I'm on my own. I've tried Viagra, and it (sort of) did the trick, but it didn't stimulate desire. Also my orgasms are not particularly explosive (to say the least!), is this just old father time's way of telling me to slow down. I'm single again, and still maintain a healthy interest in sex, There are also a few women who have shown an interest in me (honest!).But I'm staying away from all women because of my 'little problem' which is magnified by that fact that I was considered good in the bed stakes. Maybe I just have to accept the fact that at 47 my sex life is over " - DC

Dear DC,

I feel I need to ask rather a lot of questions in my initial response but that is because loss of libido is no simple matter and can be psychological, physiological or, more frequently, a combination of both. It is difficult to choose which path may be better for you without knowing more about you.

Did your GP test your testosterone levels before prescribing Viagra? If not it may be an idea to get your biology checked out - sometimes stress or changes in lifestyle can bring with them a host of biological imbalances which can be easily rectified by medication/supplements.

The fact that you're able to get aroused when you're on your own leads me to think that your problem has psychological rather than physiological roots.

Viagra is designed to overcome physiological obstacles but if there are unresolved psychological issues about you, your partner/s and/or your sexuality, etc., it will not automatically override them. Perhaps this makes some sense to you, in which case you might want to find somebody (such as a counsellor or sex therapist) to explore your story with. Doing it alone is also possible, but can leave you stuck in a rut if you're not practised in self-reflection.

I feel myself drawn to the fact that you and your wife seemed to drift away from each other almost by accident, rather than prior planning and I'm wondering if this may be the core of your present frustration. Losing your libido completely at age forty-seven is not usual. There is certainly a lowering of libido for most men after adolescence, but I know 80 something men who still manage to get it up.

All is not lost but it may take a little investigation to find out what your next step is.

Do come back to me if I've triggered any further thoughts you'd like answered. - Dee.

The Centre for Sexual Wellbeing acknowledges that we all individuals with a unique tapestry of life experiences, thoughts and feelings. We therefore stress that although these responses may provide some answers to your questions and/or temporary relief from discomfort, they are no substitute for one-to-one guidance with a professional.