Dear Dee,

We want to try anal sex but are having some difficulties. Can you give us any tips?
- S & C

Dear S & C,

The important ingredients to successful anal sex are time, lubrication and a feeling of safety. Give yourselves plenty of time to become fully aroused. Make sure you're not tense about anything - this can be helped by a long relaxing bath or shower which will also serve the purpose of ensuring absolute cleanliness in the region of the anus. Worrying about cleanliness can cause tension, particularly in the early days. An empty rectum will also help overcome fears about messing.

Once fully aroused, even if you both feel you're lubricated enough, add some more good lubricant, preferably one without nonoxynal 9 or any other kind of irritant. Lubricant should be applied to anus, fingers, penis and/or dildo if you're using one - anything you're planning to insert. I'm not sure which way round you're planning your anal sex - male penetrating female or female penetrating male, or both, but either way use a finger or small vibrator first. This gives the very powerful muscles the opportunity to get used to the feeling of being stretched and they will begin to relax. Whatever you do don't force things - that way you can damage tissue and hurt your partner, thereby spoiling things for another time. There will very possibly be a little pain to start. As long as you don't tear tissue and take it gently this will subside and pleasure will begin to take over.

Accept the fact that it may take a few tries before you manage successfully. You may also have to try a variety of positions until you find the one that feels most comfortable for you.

Finally, communicate with each other. There is a lot of trust involved in anal sex (as with most sex). Stop when asked to and don't ever try to go further than you're both absolutely happy with. - Dee.

The Centre for Sexual Wellbeing acknowledges that we all individuals with a unique tapestry of life experiences, thoughts and feelings. We therefore stress that although these responses may provide some answers to your questions and/or temporary relief from discomfort, they are no substitute for one-to-one guidance with a professional.